verbalejaculations:

I like to intimidate myself in the mirror. “What’s your problem? Got beef??” And it’s weird but I can’t pass by that big clock on the library without saluting it. What can I say? I respect time.

So sometimes maybe I dip the ends of my hair in paint just to take a shower and shake my head. And maybe I like to draw faces on tampons. I’ve found I’m more social when I pretend to myself that I’m a very intelligent cat.

Tomorrow I’m gonna catch my conscience in a jar and feed it to my boyfriend. I told him I was allergic to carrots when we were younger and now he thinks I’m always lying, but it’s ok because I know his PIN number and he doesn’t know mine so it’s ok.