Moments in amber
I wake from sonnets in my bed
I shake your image from my head
You aren’t what you appear to be
A dreamlike figure near to me
When I pass you in the day
We’re at a loss for words to say
Though dream and reality look the same
All they share is face and name
Unconsciously, our love-making is down to a science,
in actuality we tread past each other in silence
Though we ended abruptly, on bad terms
It’s something my mind has yet to learn
You’re everywhere when I close my eyes, at this point it’s obnoxious
I miss who you were and what we were, preserved in my subconscious
64
Dark blue and yellow
My wind-kicked tips of hair
Birds whistling in the distance
Clean and clear their songs of air
Silver and gold
My friends have all left
And those I adored
Taking with them
my urge
to try and make more
Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Silver and gold
I am alone
I’ve got to reconstruct myself
I’ve got to do it fast
With softer tongue and thicker skin
and innocence that lasts
.
Interior less fragile,
extior more agile
Enough to frolick through this life
and not fall on my ass
.
Tonight I double up my bones,
reinforce with heavy stones,
become a person no one owns
No longer made of glass
a girl called weasel
.
my blood is pumping commerce
my bones are fragile glass
my eyes are shifty, looking up
pushing to surpass
.
my teeth are small and crowded
my breasts too, they’re the same
my palms are rough from climbing ladders
any metaphor’s fair game
.
my mind is often split three-fold
like rabbits, voices spawn
my words don’t often fail me
but when they do I’m gone
.
Sol
Nuclear explosion
turned glowing giver of life
.
Lovely from a distance, terrifying when near
.
Weep for her in absence,
Complain of her presence
.
She draws people in like moths
Unintentionally
frying them to a crisp
when intimacy is achieved
.
She doesn’t burn others intentionally
She can’t help that they choose to bask
Even so
many will blame her for the reason
They no longer expose their skin
.
I think the sun is lonely
.
while they’re all clinking glasses
laughing hard
drinking cheap wine
no doubt dramatically retelling my mistakes
and belittling my accomplishments
then moving on
.
I’ll be keeping my head down
gritting my teeth
distracting myself
pretending not to care
that they’ve outgrown me
.
my relevancy has an expiration date
I shouldn’t care
but I do.
.
and so begins
another night of swimming laps
in the apartment complex pool
.
frigid water
dripping with aquamarine saturation
gracefully and gradually
poisoning me
turning me green, inside and out
.
plastic florescent lights
dancing prisms on the walls
my only company
.
if I hold my head under water long enough
I don’t hear the traffic
I don’t hear the life I wanted to have
.
if I never climbed out of the pool
no one would notice
.
chill
standing on the edge of the pier
city lights distant, blurring
matching my perception
.
sleepy
teetering back and forth
do I jump?
I’m so tired of feeling
feeling like I’m not enough
being a second choice
a last resort
of insecurity
.
I want to be someone’s idea of perfect
fully
and not temporarily
.
to feel the velvety blackness
saltwater gushing through my teeth
billowing in my cheeks
it hurts but at least it’s consistent
It feels like falling
Through several floors of rotted wood
as the once-stable,
now-rickety
House of Circumstance
collapses around me.
.
Internally
Scrambling
Clawing at my face
Eyes twitching
Teeth grinding
.
Externally
Smiling
Hands folded on my lap
Gently gazing
Lips parted
.
That is what it feels like like
